Showing posts with label For a Laugh. Show all posts
Showing posts with label For a Laugh. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 13
Monday, April 23
Caught White Handed
This is a post I did some time ago, and I got to thinking about it today and decided to re-post. Happy Monday! :)
So a friend of mine sent me a story today that I just had to share...
An editor put a post on her blog titled "How not to boost your word count." Apparently she was considering a manuscript for publication in one of her house's category romance lines. For the particular line this author was looking to be published in, the mandatory word count was 60-90K. The author pitched the manuscript as 67K, and when the editor checked the count on her computer she found that it was indeed 66,749. However looking it over it seemed a bit short. It wasn't until she loaded it to her e-reader that she discovered the trick. The author filled the empty page space between chapters with paragraphs of sort nonsensical words, then changed the text color to white, so you couldn't see them! The editor's e-reader was set to sepia, which made the while text stand out against the beige background. Once all the extra text was deleted, the word count only came to 52K! Talk about padding!
I'm not sure if this author is an idiot or a genius, but either way, I about died laughing!
Saturday, February 4
Why?
Why
A Free-form poem by Marian Lee Vere
*Ahem*
Why is the shortest line in the grocery store always the slowest?
Why do the important emails come when you have no way to check for them?
Why--knowing the above--do I stare at my screen waiting for them anyway?
Why will my daughter eat everything off of the floor, but nothing off of her highchair tray?
Why do I buy health food I know I will never eat?
Why do I lie to myself week after week, insisting the cookies in the shopping cart are "for the kids"?
Why must every TV show I like get canceled or loose half their cast right when I decide to like it?
Why do I keep trying to force myself to like the 'classics'? (Sorry Mr. Poe, Mr. Verne, and Mr. Homer, you are not for me.)
Why must the Cadbury Eggs get smaller every year? (I can't be the only one noticing this!)
Why can't I count writing a blog post as writing, so when hubby asks me, "Did you get any writing done today?" I can say, "Yes. Yes, I did."
A Free-form poem by Marian Lee Vere
*Ahem*
Why is the shortest line in the grocery store always the slowest?
Why do the important emails come when you have no way to check for them?
Why--knowing the above--do I stare at my screen waiting for them anyway?
Why will my daughter eat everything off of the floor, but nothing off of her highchair tray?
Why do I buy health food I know I will never eat?
Why do I lie to myself week after week, insisting the cookies in the shopping cart are "for the kids"?
Why must every TV show I like get canceled or loose half their cast right when I decide to like it?
Why do I keep trying to force myself to like the 'classics'? (Sorry Mr. Poe, Mr. Verne, and Mr. Homer, you are not for me.)
Why must the Cadbury Eggs get smaller every year? (I can't be the only one noticing this!)
Why can't I count writing a blog post as writing, so when hubby asks me, "Did you get any writing done today?" I can say, "Yes. Yes, I did."
Sunday, January 1
Friday, November 11
Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain... or run him down with your shopping cart
o
Gather around kids, and hear the tale of a clumsy girl who went shopping at a store called Meijer. Anyone from the Chicago/Milwaukee area knows Meijer is a superstore, basically like a Wal-Mart but a little nicer. I was there this morning, stocking up on food and snacks for my lock-in this weekend--Hubby and kids left at 4am this morning for Florida to visit his parents, which means I have three whole days of freedom in which I will hunker down in my house and edit the hell out of my new book, and that obviously calls for some snackage.
Anyway, arrive at Meijer, get my cart--a crappy one with a wobbly wheel of course--and head over to the book section, which is always my first stop. I'm perusing, checking out what's new, minding my own business, when I see that at the end of the book section,they have some of the shelves moved around and curtains up, doing some construction. Construction that apparently required them to run a cable all along the floor. As luck would have it, when I reach the end of the aisle, the wobbly wheel on my crappy cart gets stuck on the tape they used to tack down the cable so no one would trip over it. I am pushing and pulling trying to get it loose from the tape, which somehow was able to wind itself around the wheel. I realize the only way to get it free is to snap the tape, which I do by shoving on the cart. It works, however the cart slips out of my hand and goes flying into one of the polls holding up the curtain, and slamming into a guy on the other side who was sitting on a folding chair reading one of the magazines. This poor sap was scared out of his mind, and nearly falls out of the chair, but at the last moment was able to grab on to one of the book shelves and avoid hurting himself, thank God. I apologize, he laughs and says don't worry about it, I make a stupid joke about the tape, he's says not to worry, and I leave, tail between my legs.
I finish shopping, pay for my stuff, and make my way toward the exit, where I see two store workers putting up a huge sign that says:
Gather around kids, and hear the tale of a clumsy girl who went shopping at a store called Meijer. Anyone from the Chicago/Milwaukee area knows Meijer is a superstore, basically like a Wal-Mart but a little nicer. I was there this morning, stocking up on food and snacks for my lock-in this weekend--Hubby and kids left at 4am this morning for Florida to visit his parents, which means I have three whole days of freedom in which I will hunker down in my house and edit the hell out of my new book, and that obviously calls for some snackage.
Anyway, arrive at Meijer, get my cart--a crappy one with a wobbly wheel of course--and head over to the book section, which is always my first stop. I'm perusing, checking out what's new, minding my own business, when I see that at the end of the book section,they have some of the shelves moved around and curtains up, doing some construction. Construction that apparently required them to run a cable all along the floor. As luck would have it, when I reach the end of the aisle, the wobbly wheel on my crappy cart gets stuck on the tape they used to tack down the cable so no one would trip over it. I am pushing and pulling trying to get it loose from the tape, which somehow was able to wind itself around the wheel. I realize the only way to get it free is to snap the tape, which I do by shoving on the cart. It works, however the cart slips out of my hand and goes flying into one of the polls holding up the curtain, and slamming into a guy on the other side who was sitting on a folding chair reading one of the magazines. This poor sap was scared out of his mind, and nearly falls out of the chair, but at the last moment was able to grab on to one of the book shelves and avoid hurting himself, thank God. I apologize, he laughs and says don't worry about it, I make a stupid joke about the tape, he's says not to worry, and I leave, tail between my legs.
I finish shopping, pay for my stuff, and make my way toward the exit, where I see two store workers putting up a huge sign that says:
Book Signing Today!
10-12 & 1-3
Followed by a huge picture... of the guy I ran over with my cart.
That's right folks, I ran over bestselling author, Christopher Paolini with my shopping cart. There was no construction, they were setting up for a signing, and Mr. Paolini was hiding, waiting for it to start. Had I not seen the picture I would have never known, though it did explain the twenty-odd Inheritance book displays all over the store...
Christopher, if you happen to go back to your hotel tonight and google, 'chick who ran me over' and come across this, I am very, very sorry.
Anyway, that's how my day is going, how's yours?
Wednesday, October 26
How Cool Is This!
o
Just a little Happy Halloween to all my buddies! If you like the TSO house at Christmas time, you'll love this!
Tuesday, October 11
Fun ways to waste time...
o
First off, let me say sorry to my peeps for the neglect lately. A combination of my WIP and Blogger issues have made my posts scarce. (My computer was actually the one at fault, not blogger, but for some reason, Blogger was the only site affected.)
I don't have a full post today, but I figured in the mean time I'd share a few fun things I've found/been shown over the past few days.
First, if you are a follower of Smart Bitches, Trashy Books, you'll already have seen this, but it is so cool it's worth seeing again. Just in time for Halloween, decaying and condemned Victorian homes... made completely of Legos.
http://freshome.com/2011/10/04/decaying-victorian-houses-made-of-lego-pieces-by-mike-doyle/
Next we have Wordie, shown to me by my agent. All you do is copy and paste a bunch of text and it will automatically create a word cloud. You can choose the colors, and style, then save, or print. It's really cool!
http://www.wordle.net/create
Last but not least, we have Ben and Jerry's special Holloween website. Really cute site with fun stuff like build your own scarecrow and the 'Flavor Graveyard'--a special graveyard dedicated to all the flavors Ben and Jerry's has discontinued over the years! (Tip: Click on the mortuary in the cartoon graveyard to see the full list of 'dead' flavors.)
http://www.benjerry.com/halloween/
Yeah yeah, I know, as if we don't waste enough time online as it is, right? Well if I'm going to get sucked into internet randomness, then darned if I'm not going to take a few of you down with me! So, enjoy my randomness, and I'll be back soon!
First off, let me say sorry to my peeps for the neglect lately. A combination of my WIP and Blogger issues have made my posts scarce. (My computer was actually the one at fault, not blogger, but for some reason, Blogger was the only site affected.)
I don't have a full post today, but I figured in the mean time I'd share a few fun things I've found/been shown over the past few days.
First, if you are a follower of Smart Bitches, Trashy Books, you'll already have seen this, but it is so cool it's worth seeing again. Just in time for Halloween, decaying and condemned Victorian homes... made completely of Legos.
http://freshome.com/2011/10/04/decaying-victorian-houses-made-of-lego-pieces-by-mike-doyle/
Next we have Wordie, shown to me by my agent. All you do is copy and paste a bunch of text and it will automatically create a word cloud. You can choose the colors, and style, then save, or print. It's really cool!
http://www.wordle.net/create
Last but not least, we have Ben and Jerry's special Holloween website. Really cute site with fun stuff like build your own scarecrow and the 'Flavor Graveyard'--a special graveyard dedicated to all the flavors Ben and Jerry's has discontinued over the years! (Tip: Click on the mortuary in the cartoon graveyard to see the full list of 'dead' flavors.)
http://www.benjerry.com/halloween/
Yeah yeah, I know, as if we don't waste enough time online as it is, right? Well if I'm going to get sucked into internet randomness, then darned if I'm not going to take a few of you down with me! So, enjoy my randomness, and I'll be back soon!
Sunday, September 18
The Frumpy Country Cousin
However, I am not here to talk about the shiny beautiful manuscript, I am here to talk about her frumpy country cousin, otherwise know as my current work in progress. She's dirty and disheveled, with frizzy hair, chipped nail polish, mismatched shoes--and, dare I say it--needs to loose a few pounds. Basically a hot mess. If you put the two projects next to each other, you can tell they are related; voice, tone and style all being very similar, but that's about all they have in common. They would not be friends or even hang out together. Finished MS would probably steal WIP's boyfriend, throw punch on her hand-me-down dress, and leave her crying alone in the corner. And the worst part is, I would be right there next to Finished MS, laughing and pointing at the frumpy wall flower.
Why would I be joining Finished MS and not punishing her for her horrible behavior? Because, as much as I hate to admit it, I have as big a problem with WIP as she does. I just can't accept the fact that that sloppy mess actually came out of me. I have grown so accustomed to the beauty and shine of Finished MS, that I expect everything I write to be as polished right out of the gate. It's hard to remember that Finished MS used to be as buck-toothed and dumpy as WIP is now. It took me months to clean her up and teach her some manners, and even that wasn't enough. I had to take her to a professional beautician (who moonlights as a literary agent) to get her to where she is now. So naturally, I should know that there is no reason to be upset with WIP, as she just needs a little time.
Like I said... I should know that.
I do know that. But that doesn't mean it isn't hard to remember.
So now if you'll excuse me, I have an Extreme Makeover: Manuscript Edition to get started on.
Sunday, September 11
Vicodin and Fast Food
o
Good afternoon everyone!
I had my wisdom teeth out a few days ago, and I've been having trouble with them.(Picture me lying on pillows with a gigantic retainer in my mouth.) This has left me confined to my bedroom with little to do besides look for entertainment online. I've done a little writing, but let's face it, the Vicodin--while it makes my writing interesting--doesn't lend it self to making any great strides in that department.
Basically I've spent my time watching TV shows via Netflix, and looking for videos on YouTube, which is how I happened across this little gem and thought I'd share...
Yes, they really are naming fast food joints...
I about lost it laughing, but then again, that could have been the pills.
Talk to y'all soon,
~ Mar
Wednesday, July 27
When you are a best-selling author...
o
Back online! (again...) After the crazy storms of the past weekend, my entire street has been without internet now for almost three days, but we are back up! Why it always seems they have to create problems to fix problems is beyond me, but that's a whole different matter...
So, nothing major on my mind today, but I do have a question for all my lovely readers. Most of you are as-of-yet unpublished writers, and I know I am not the only on who sits on the couch and dreams of all the great things I am going to do/buy when I become a best-selling author. Come on, we all do it. We all picture ourselves on the best sellers list, seeing a line out the door at our book signings, speaking and sitting on panels at writers conferences, and so on. Don't be ashamed, hell, what else do we have to keep us going if not our dreams--pie in the sky or otherwise. So my question to you is just that--what will you do with all your money? Now, yes, we are all going to pay off debt, send the kids to college, etc, etc, but what I mean is the fun stuff. The sort of stuff you think about at night before you fall asleep? Here, I'll give you mine:
Back online! (again...) After the crazy storms of the past weekend, my entire street has been without internet now for almost three days, but we are back up! Why it always seems they have to create problems to fix problems is beyond me, but that's a whole different matter...
So, nothing major on my mind today, but I do have a question for all my lovely readers. Most of you are as-of-yet unpublished writers, and I know I am not the only on who sits on the couch and dreams of all the great things I am going to do/buy when I become a best-selling author. Come on, we all do it. We all picture ourselves on the best sellers list, seeing a line out the door at our book signings, speaking and sitting on panels at writers conferences, and so on. Don't be ashamed, hell, what else do we have to keep us going if not our dreams--pie in the sky or otherwise. So my question to you is just that--what will you do with all your money? Now, yes, we are all going to pay off debt, send the kids to college, etc, etc, but what I mean is the fun stuff. The sort of stuff you think about at night before you fall asleep? Here, I'll give you mine:
- I want to build us a big house where I can have an office/library where built-in bookshelves will be a must. Not too big mind you--not a full out mansion--I would have no idea what to do with all that space. Big, but not intimidating. It will also have an awesome kitchen where I can bake and cook without running out of counter space five minutes in. My hubby want's a running track going around the perimeter of the basement, but we'll see.
- I will finally buy some make-up that isn't super cheap. You know the kind, the stuff that is actually embarrassing to pay for because it's the stuff that middle schoolers wear (I don't buy the middle school colors, mind you, just the brands), but it's cheap and does the job.
- I will buy my husband a convertible. He had to get rid of the one he had just after we were married for something more practical, and I've always felt bad about that.
- I will finally buy my underwear from Victoria's Secret, and get rid of the worn out, thread-bare, hope-to-God-I-never-have-an-accident-and-get-caught-dead-or-other-wise-in-these-things undies that currently fill that particular drawer in my dresser. (Side note: the panty thieving goat is more than welcome to visit my house anytime. I'll even leave the window open for him. Fair warning to him, it'll probably scare him straight!)
- I will throw an awesome Christmas party every year for family and friends. The kind of Christmas party you see on TV and always want to go to, but never do because no one you know ever throws them.
- Last, Hubby and I will renew our vows at Disney World (which is where we were married the first time), and this time we will fly all out guests down and pay for their rooms so they can enjoy without it costing them anything.
So there it is! Now it's your turn. Castle by the sea? Harley Davidson? House in the Hamptons? Don't be shy, let's hear them!
Wednesday, June 22
Publishing Glossary
o
Two days ago we finally found renters for our townhouse, so we are moving! Yay! However, the bad news is, with the RWA Conference next week, I basically have the rest of this week to pack our entire place. Beh.
Thus, I will not have time for much in the way of blogging this week, but when I read this I had to share...
My agent tweeted a link to this blog post today, http://johnmcusick.wordpress.com/2011/06/22/a-publishing-industry-glossary/ , and if you have a free minute and need a laugh, you have to check it out.
Talk to you soon!
Two days ago we finally found renters for our townhouse, so we are moving! Yay! However, the bad news is, with the RWA Conference next week, I basically have the rest of this week to pack our entire place. Beh.
Thus, I will not have time for much in the way of blogging this week, but when I read this I had to share...
My agent tweeted a link to this blog post today, http://johnmcusick.wordpress.com/2011/06/22/a-publishing-industry-glossary/ , and if you have a free minute and need a laugh, you have to check it out.
Talk to you soon!
Friday, June 17
Inspiration Friday!
I was looking through some writing quotes the other day, and got a fun idea. There are so many great quotes about writing, from everyone from Stephen King, to T.S. Elliott, to Albert Einstein. Some are funny, some are serious, but all are totally appropriate in one way or another. Combine that with the fact that--statistically speaking--Friday is the day in which the largest number of query letters/submissions get rejected by agents(stat from Writer's Digest online), and you have the perfect recipe for my all new Inspiration Friday! Every Friday morning from now on, I will post a few writing quotes to help inspire you to get through the rejection fest that may be coming, and into the weekend with a smile!
So, without further ado, here are our quotes for the week!
I love being a writer. What I can't stand is the paperwork.
~ Peter de Vries
Most writers can write books faster than publishers can write checks.
~ Richard Curtis
~ Richard Curtis
Imagination is more important than knowledge.
~ Albert Einstein
~ Albert Einstein
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats.
~ Howard Aiken
~ Howard Aiken
I have the heart of a small boy. It is in a glass jar on my desk
~ Stephen King
~ Stephen King
You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.
~ Jack London
Being a good writer is 3% talent, 97% not being distracted by the Internet.
~ Anonymous
~ Anonymous
Wednesday, June 1
Writing is like...
Yay! This is fun! Angela V. Cook of The Starving Novelist tagged me into this meme called 'Writing is like...' Basically you create a metaphor for writing, then tag three others to join in via their blogs. Yay!
This one is actually easy for me as I immediately thought of the other thing that is occupying my time lately: running. Now let me start out by saying I am not a runner. I do not run for fun, I basically run so I can eat more. I am also not fast, nor can I go far. The one thing that is fun about running however, and I think any runner can agree to this, are the races. I have done two races so far - well really one race that I have done twice - The Disney Princess Half Marathon. Now, those of you who don't run, or maybe even some of you who do, might be saying, "Wow, half marathon?!" Yeah, considering I didn't train either time, and finished just at the required pace of 16 minutes per mile, walked the majority of it, and spent the next few days practically couch ridden, it's really not that impressive. However, I think that races are the perfect metaphor for writing a novel.
Allow me to explain...
(Ahem)
Writing is like... running a marathon.(or the Disney Princess Half Marathon as the case may be)
You start out at the Race Expo, where there are hundreds of people, all excited for what's to come. You pick up your bib and goody bag, check out the booths, and buy t-shirts and memorabilia. You walk around with the race-bug and think, "This is so great, why didn't I do this years ago?" As writers this is the beginning of a new story. You just got the inspiration, and you have more excitement and energy than you know what to do with, but instead of t-shirts and goodies, you buy note books, pens, and other writing supplies. Cuz, you know, what else is going to make us feel ligit?
The next day, it's the morning of the race. You get up at four to be at the start line by 5:30, but the time doesn't matter as you are ready to get started. As you get to the race site, you see everyone else there having a great time, laughing, excited, and ready to go. There are people everywhere, some look like they are in great shape and can run circles around you, others are maybe not so in shape, and mean as it is you actually are happy to see them, as it make you feel just a little better about yourself. (Come on we all do it.) This is the writer in the planning phase: you have tons of ideas flying at you from every direction, some good, some not so good, but in the end you just can't wait to get started on that first chapter.
You get to your start corral near the start line, practically jumping up and down waiting for the gun to go off. Finally, the count down begins(you've put the kids to bed), the gun sounds(bust out all your notes), the fireworks go off(you fire up the computer), and you are off and running(writing).
You pass over the start line barely seeing it, adrenaline pumping and heart pounding. You look to the sides and see all the fans yelling and cheering you on and you think, "This isn't bad at all, I'll be done in no time!" You are pounding on, feet flying, never breaking stride(ideas flowing and dialog pouring like water). But then after a while, you start to look around and realize that the fans are gone, and won't be back until you hit the Magic Kindom spectator area later on, and it's kind of dark, and there is really nothing to look at, and you starting to get winded(plot holes, awkward or missing dialog that you're not sure how to fix, and characters that aren't quite panning out the way you thought they would).
More time passes and you are really getting tired. Your feet are starting to blister, your legs are getting tight, and you realize you should have eaten more this morning(Major plot hole that you can't seem to patch up, writer's block, and issues arising from insufficient planning). People start to pass you and you want to trip them out of frustration(not that I would ever do that, but come on you've thought about it). Your exhausted, your feet(fingers) are screaming at you to stop, but you can't stop because you are almost there. Then finally, you look up and see that blessed sign glowing in the distance like a beacon. You have made it. You pick up the pace and hold your head high as you finally pass the sign marking the end of mile(chapter)...
SOMEHOW you carry on though the next 12.1 miles.
SOMEHOW you manage to push through the headaches, backaches, blisters, pulled muscles, sunburn, dehydration, and fatigue.
SOMEHOW you make it to the finish line and get your medal, and for a moment you are happy. Happy you finished. Happy to know you really can do it. But more than anything swearing up and down that you will never do it again.
Yet oddly enough, less than an hour later on the drive home, you hear a voice that sounds suspiciously like your own saying, "Next year will be better..."
Ashley Nixon
Ashley Graham
Brandy Shockley
You're up!
This one is actually easy for me as I immediately thought of the other thing that is occupying my time lately: running. Now let me start out by saying I am not a runner. I do not run for fun, I basically run so I can eat more. I am also not fast, nor can I go far. The one thing that is fun about running however, and I think any runner can agree to this, are the races. I have done two races so far - well really one race that I have done twice - The Disney Princess Half Marathon. Now, those of you who don't run, or maybe even some of you who do, might be saying, "Wow, half marathon?!" Yeah, considering I didn't train either time, and finished just at the required pace of 16 minutes per mile, walked the majority of it, and spent the next few days practically couch ridden, it's really not that impressive. However, I think that races are the perfect metaphor for writing a novel.
Allow me to explain...
(Ahem)
Writing is like... running a marathon.(or the Disney Princess Half Marathon as the case may be)
You start out at the Race Expo, where there are hundreds of people, all excited for what's to come. You pick up your bib and goody bag, check out the booths, and buy t-shirts and memorabilia. You walk around with the race-bug and think, "This is so great, why didn't I do this years ago?" As writers this is the beginning of a new story. You just got the inspiration, and you have more excitement and energy than you know what to do with, but instead of t-shirts and goodies, you buy note books, pens, and other writing supplies. Cuz, you know, what else is going to make us feel ligit?
The next day, it's the morning of the race. You get up at four to be at the start line by 5:30, but the time doesn't matter as you are ready to get started. As you get to the race site, you see everyone else there having a great time, laughing, excited, and ready to go. There are people everywhere, some look like they are in great shape and can run circles around you, others are maybe not so in shape, and mean as it is you actually are happy to see them, as it make you feel just a little better about yourself. (Come on we all do it.) This is the writer in the planning phase: you have tons of ideas flying at you from every direction, some good, some not so good, but in the end you just can't wait to get started on that first chapter.
You get to your start corral near the start line, practically jumping up and down waiting for the gun to go off. Finally, the count down begins(you've put the kids to bed), the gun sounds(bust out all your notes), the fireworks go off(you fire up the computer), and you are off and running(writing).
You pass over the start line barely seeing it, adrenaline pumping and heart pounding. You look to the sides and see all the fans yelling and cheering you on and you think, "This isn't bad at all, I'll be done in no time!" You are pounding on, feet flying, never breaking stride(ideas flowing and dialog pouring like water). But then after a while, you start to look around and realize that the fans are gone, and won't be back until you hit the Magic Kindom spectator area later on, and it's kind of dark, and there is really nothing to look at, and you starting to get winded(plot holes, awkward or missing dialog that you're not sure how to fix, and characters that aren't quite panning out the way you thought they would).
More time passes and you are really getting tired. Your feet are starting to blister, your legs are getting tight, and you realize you should have eaten more this morning(Major plot hole that you can't seem to patch up, writer's block, and issues arising from insufficient planning). People start to pass you and you want to trip them out of frustration(not that I would ever do that, but come on you've thought about it). Your exhausted, your feet(fingers) are screaming at you to stop, but you can't stop because you are almost there. Then finally, you look up and see that blessed sign glowing in the distance like a beacon. You have made it. You pick up the pace and hold your head high as you finally pass the sign marking the end of mile(chapter)...
ONE! ARE YOU F***ING KIDDING ME!!!!!!!!!!
SOMEHOW you manage to push through the headaches, backaches, blisters, pulled muscles, sunburn, dehydration, and fatigue.
SOMEHOW you make it to the finish line and get your medal, and for a moment you are happy. Happy you finished. Happy to know you really can do it. But more than anything swearing up and down that you will never do it again.
Yet oddly enough, less than an hour later on the drive home, you hear a voice that sounds suspiciously like your own saying, "Next year will be better..."
Ashley Nixon
Ashley Graham
Brandy Shockley
You're up!
Tuesday, May 17
2 Common Query Mistakes And A Little Inspiration
Philosophers believe that there is no such thing as the perfect crime, because the term 'crime' in and of itself is an imperfect thing. Not sure that I buy into that, as perfection-like beauty-is in the eye of the beholder, but I can tell you that I am convinced that there is no such thing as the perfect query.
Just like there is more than one way to skin a cat, (side bar: where did that saying come from? I mean really, was there a point in our history where we were skinning cats left and right and were looking for new and better ways to get the job done? Do they mean jungle cats, like for fur? I don't get it. Maybe I'll hit Wikipedia after this...) there are endless ways to write an effective query. There are general rules about what to do, which we all know. What surprises me however, is that there are general rules regarding what not to do, that countless agents have commented on, agreed upon, blogged about, spoken about etc., that are constantly ignored by a huge number of writers. Sure, we all know not to address queries with 'Dear Agent', and not to go on and on for pages, that's amateur hour stuff. What I'm talking about are the things that writers consider to be expected in a query, that agents actually hate. For example, number one:
The phrase 'I am seeking representation...' should appear nowhere in you query. Really folks - nowhere.I mean think about it, why would you put that in there? OF COURSE you are seeking representation, why else would you have sent a literary agent an email with the subject line 'Query'? You have just officially wasted five seconds of this agents time by stating the obvious. Top notch agent Uwe Stender has stated on may occasions that if the words 'I' or 'My' appear anywhere in your query outside of the bio section, he passes on you instantly. 'I am seeking...', 'I have written...', 'My manuscript...' 'I have contacted you...', and the like.
The Fix: Be creative! Show them right off the bat that you are worth your salt! Open with your hook, and work your title, genre and word count into your pitch.
Second mistake: It's okay if you don't have an impressive bio. The last paragraph in your query should be a short bio telling them about your writing experience. No, they don't want to know how many cats you have, no, they don't care that you won the county bake-off last year, and no, they don't want to know the names of all your grandkids. They want your name, where you live, and any relevant writing experience. If you don't have any writing experience, that's okay, just be upfront about it. Many people think that if you don't have a list of books, or a degree in writing, or something impressive, that you will get passed over, and it's just not true. Be honest, and for god's sake, be brief. If your bio section is more than four or five lines, you most likely have a problem.
Third mistake: Not Proofreading. Alright everyone, brace yourselves. I am about to give you one of the best boosts in your confidence that you have probably gotten in quite a while. Ever send out a query with an incorrect name on it? Ever say that you have attached the first chapter then forgot to attach it? Never fear, cuz I am about to top it. For those of you who don't know, my book 'Once Upon A Second Chance' (which was called 'Bibbity, Bobbity, Do-Over during querying) is basically a modern and somewhat whimsical retelling of the classic, Persuasion. The following is the third paragraph of the query letter that went out to 75 potential agents:
Jane Austin’s Persuasion, is one of my all time favorite novels, and it makes me sad that it has taken something of a backseat in the world of classic literature. Bibbity, Bobbity, Do-Over puts a modern yet whimsical spin on Austin’s classic love story, and serves as my personal tribute to that amazing, yet somewhat under-appreciated work.
Did you catch it? Yep, that's right... I misspelled Austen. Not once, but twice. My entire project is inspired by a Jane Austen work, and I can't even spell the woman's name. This letter went out to every... single... agent. Crawl in a hole and die, anyone? What's worse, is this letter was read by my mother, my mother-in-law, my husband, was posted on this very blog under the 'Projects' page for months, and is currently posted in my success story on QueryTracker, and no one has said a thing. So either no one has noticed, or everyone is laughing behind my back, either way, when I realized, I wanted to die. My tummy hurts when I think about how many potential agents may have actually wanted to read my stuff, but got tot hat line and said, "What the hell?..." Not that I am complaining as I have the best agent ever, but still, it's hard to find out that you have made a total ass of yourself.
So there you have it. At the very least I hope I made you feel a bit better about any querying slip-ups you may have made. Remember, there is no such thing as perfect, and any agent who expects it, you don't want to work with anyway.
Just like there is more than one way to skin a cat, (side bar: where did that saying come from? I mean really, was there a point in our history where we were skinning cats left and right and were looking for new and better ways to get the job done? Do they mean jungle cats, like for fur? I don't get it. Maybe I'll hit Wikipedia after this...) there are endless ways to write an effective query. There are general rules about what to do, which we all know. What surprises me however, is that there are general rules regarding what not to do, that countless agents have commented on, agreed upon, blogged about, spoken about etc., that are constantly ignored by a huge number of writers. Sure, we all know not to address queries with 'Dear Agent', and not to go on and on for pages, that's amateur hour stuff. What I'm talking about are the things that writers consider to be expected in a query, that agents actually hate. For example, number one:
The phrase 'I am seeking representation...' should appear nowhere in you query. Really folks - nowhere.I mean think about it, why would you put that in there? OF COURSE you are seeking representation, why else would you have sent a literary agent an email with the subject line 'Query'? You have just officially wasted five seconds of this agents time by stating the obvious. Top notch agent Uwe Stender has stated on may occasions that if the words 'I' or 'My' appear anywhere in your query outside of the bio section, he passes on you instantly. 'I am seeking...', 'I have written...', 'My manuscript...' 'I have contacted you...', and the like.
The Fix: Be creative! Show them right off the bat that you are worth your salt! Open with your hook, and work your title, genre and word count into your pitch.
Second mistake: It's okay if you don't have an impressive bio. The last paragraph in your query should be a short bio telling them about your writing experience. No, they don't want to know how many cats you have, no, they don't care that you won the county bake-off last year, and no, they don't want to know the names of all your grandkids. They want your name, where you live, and any relevant writing experience. If you don't have any writing experience, that's okay, just be upfront about it. Many people think that if you don't have a list of books, or a degree in writing, or something impressive, that you will get passed over, and it's just not true. Be honest, and for god's sake, be brief. If your bio section is more than four or five lines, you most likely have a problem.
Third mistake: Not Proofreading. Alright everyone, brace yourselves. I am about to give you one of the best boosts in your confidence that you have probably gotten in quite a while. Ever send out a query with an incorrect name on it? Ever say that you have attached the first chapter then forgot to attach it? Never fear, cuz I am about to top it. For those of you who don't know, my book 'Once Upon A Second Chance' (which was called 'Bibbity, Bobbity, Do-Over during querying) is basically a modern and somewhat whimsical retelling of the classic, Persuasion. The following is the third paragraph of the query letter that went out to 75 potential agents:
Jane Austin’s Persuasion, is one of my all time favorite novels, and it makes me sad that it has taken something of a backseat in the world of classic literature. Bibbity, Bobbity, Do-Over puts a modern yet whimsical spin on Austin’s classic love story, and serves as my personal tribute to that amazing, yet somewhat under-appreciated work.
Did you catch it? Yep, that's right... I misspelled Austen. Not once, but twice. My entire project is inspired by a Jane Austen work, and I can't even spell the woman's name. This letter went out to every... single... agent. Crawl in a hole and die, anyone? What's worse, is this letter was read by my mother, my mother-in-law, my husband, was posted on this very blog under the 'Projects' page for months, and is currently posted in my success story on QueryTracker, and no one has said a thing. So either no one has noticed, or everyone is laughing behind my back, either way, when I realized, I wanted to die. My tummy hurts when I think about how many potential agents may have actually wanted to read my stuff, but got tot hat line and said, "What the hell?..." Not that I am complaining as I have the best agent ever, but still, it's hard to find out that you have made a total ass of yourself.
So there you have it. At the very least I hope I made you feel a bit better about any querying slip-ups you may have made. Remember, there is no such thing as perfect, and any agent who expects it, you don't want to work with anyway.
Wednesday, March 30
OMG Query Openers - Take 2
Here we are again folks, more outrageously bad query openers provided by agents everywhere who are both amused and appalled...
Once again, as with my last OMG Query Openers post, all these are the opening lines to actual query letters an appear just after the 'Dear Agent' heading.
Hold on to your hats kids, here we go...
"This is my book, and I need an agent for it. It is mystery with love but no sex. It is called - title - and everyone who reads it thinks it's great."
"I am writing your firm to seek representation for my latest novel entitled - title. You currently represent a friend of mine who asked that I not use their name, and he said you would represent me. I have enclosed the complete manuscript as to save you the time of having to contact me."
(Yeah, either this person was lying about the 'friend', or that friend knew this person's writing was horrible and didn't want to be associated with them! Ha!)
"I have been forced to sen you an e-mail, as your receptionist is immature, rude, and practically useless in her line of work."
"My name is Janet Fisher, and I have been trapped it my house for 17 yeras. No one comes to see me, no one calls. Latly, I have become so lonely that man appears and keeps me company. He tells me strange thinhs about the world he is form. He wants to take me there. I cant go because he is imaginary. Or is he..."
(If you haven't realized yet, Janet Fisher is actually the name of this writers character, and this opening is the plot of the novel. Any yes, those were her spelling mistakes, not mine.)
"Are you laughing at me, or is that just my book your reading? Maybe not yet, but soon you will be. Title- is my comedy novel about..."
(Yes folks, I do believe that was supposed to be a pickup line...)
"Are you still representing books? Do you have any openings? I just finished one, so let me know if you want it and I'll send it."
"I have suffered these past months to bring new life to this earth. Life takes many forms and mine is one of ink and paper. I have bled, labored, and trudged through the afterbirth of the mind, and now weary and soiled, it seeks new light and cleaner home..."
(Ummm... so I'm stuck somewhere between WTF and eww...)
And last but not least...
"David Cunningham never thought much of life. His existence was mundane, and mundane he expected it to stay. Sometimes however, the biggest of life's changes can come of the simplest of dry-cleaning bills...
Title- is a 92,000 word, completed literary fiction manuscript, for which I am seeking representation."
'But Marian, what's wrong with that?' you ask? Just this - it was a snail-mail submission. No SASE, no return address, no phone number, no email. The agent who received this flat out said they would have requested a partial had they have had a way to contact the writer.
*facepalm*
Once again, as with my last OMG Query Openers post, all these are the opening lines to actual query letters an appear just after the 'Dear Agent' heading.
Hold on to your hats kids, here we go...
"This is my book, and I need an agent for it. It is mystery with love but no sex. It is called - title - and everyone who reads it thinks it's great."
"I am writing your firm to seek representation for my latest novel entitled - title. You currently represent a friend of mine who asked that I not use their name, and he said you would represent me. I have enclosed the complete manuscript as to save you the time of having to contact me."
(Yeah, either this person was lying about the 'friend', or that friend knew this person's writing was horrible and didn't want to be associated with them! Ha!)
"I have been forced to sen you an e-mail, as your receptionist is immature, rude, and practically useless in her line of work."
"My name is Janet Fisher, and I have been trapped it my house for 17 yeras. No one comes to see me, no one calls. Latly, I have become so lonely that man appears and keeps me company. He tells me strange thinhs about the world he is form. He wants to take me there. I cant go because he is imaginary. Or is he..."
(If you haven't realized yet, Janet Fisher is actually the name of this writers character, and this opening is the plot of the novel. Any yes, those were her spelling mistakes, not mine.)
"Are you laughing at me, or is that just my book your reading? Maybe not yet, but soon you will be. Title- is my comedy novel about..."
(Yes folks, I do believe that was supposed to be a pickup line...)
"Are you still representing books? Do you have any openings? I just finished one, so let me know if you want it and I'll send it."
"I have suffered these past months to bring new life to this earth. Life takes many forms and mine is one of ink and paper. I have bled, labored, and trudged through the afterbirth of the mind, and now weary and soiled, it seeks new light and cleaner home..."
(Ummm... so I'm stuck somewhere between WTF and eww...)
And last but not least...
"David Cunningham never thought much of life. His existence was mundane, and mundane he expected it to stay. Sometimes however, the biggest of life's changes can come of the simplest of dry-cleaning bills...
Title- is a 92,000 word, completed literary fiction manuscript, for which I am seeking representation."
'But Marian, what's wrong with that?' you ask? Just this - it was a snail-mail submission. No SASE, no return address, no phone number, no email. The agent who received this flat out said they would have requested a partial had they have had a way to contact the writer.
*facepalm*
Friday, March 18
This is why we all need literary agents...
Ready for some perspective? I saw these on the blog of a one of the editors of a major publishing house in New York. She never names her house or gives her actual name but she writes under LadyLittlemore on several writing forums, some of you may know her. She posted these photos a while back. It's the dreaded 'slush pile'- aka. un-agented manuscript submissions/queries. Each of these photos are of the office of a different editor at her house.
Yeah...
I'd comment... but there's really no need.
Wednesday, February 2
Caught white handed...
So a friend of mine sent me a story today that I just had to share...
An editor put a post on her blog titled "How not to boost your word count." Apparently she was considering a manuscript for publication in one of her house's category romance lines. For the particular line this author was looking to be published in, the mandatory word count was 60-90K. The author pitched the manuscript as 67K, and when the editor checked the count on her computer she found that it was indeed 66,749. However looking it over it seemed a bit short. It wasn't until she loaded it to her e-reader that she discovered the trick. The author filled the empty page space between chapters with paragraphs of sort nonsensical words, then changed the text color to white, so you couldn't see them! The editor's e-reader was set to sepia, which made the while text stand out against the beige background. Once all the extra text was deleted, the word count only came to 52K! Talk about padding!
I'm not sure if this author is an idiot or a genius, but either way, I about died laughing!
An editor put a post on her blog titled "How not to boost your word count." Apparently she was considering a manuscript for publication in one of her house's category romance lines. For the particular line this author was looking to be published in, the mandatory word count was 60-90K. The author pitched the manuscript as 67K, and when the editor checked the count on her computer she found that it was indeed 66,749. However looking it over it seemed a bit short. It wasn't until she loaded it to her e-reader that she discovered the trick. The author filled the empty page space between chapters with paragraphs of sort nonsensical words, then changed the text color to white, so you couldn't see them! The editor's e-reader was set to sepia, which made the while text stand out against the beige background. Once all the extra text was deleted, the word count only came to 52K! Talk about padding!
I'm not sure if this author is an idiot or a genius, but either way, I about died laughing!
Monday, January 17
Ah... to be a Literary Agent...
... to have hundreds of people a month grovel for my approval...
... to make the rules, change the rules, and break whichever I choose...
... to be the be the bouncers outside the publishing night club...
... to insist that you obey all my requests to the letter, then never respond to your query...
... to take months to request a partial, then get mad when you can't grant me exclusivity as you have other submissions out to agents who didn't take six months to make their request...
... to ask for a resubmit after you make the countless revisions I have suggested to your manuscript, then after the revisions and resubmit are made, inform you that I am far too swamped to take on any new clients at this time...
and last but certainly not least...
... to make my potential employers beg, grovel, plead, revise, query, re-query, submit, resubmit, and make a deal with the devil or whatever evil being they subscribe to - before I allow them to hire me...
Must be the life! :)
Saturday, January 15
OMG Query Openers
Every so often I come across queries that make me feel better about my own. They always put a smile on my face, so I thought I'd share. Yes, hard as it is to believe, these are all real, and have all been submitted to at least one agent/editor. They are all the opening line(s), appearing just after the "Dear Agent.'
"I am about to tell you about the best book you will ever represent..."
"There once was a cat who's family had abandoned him. He went to live in a shelter for months, and was worried no one would ever love him. One day a lady came to the shelter and adopted him. She became his mommy. That cat is me, and my mommy wrote a story about me. She would like you to represent her...."
"At this point in my writing career, I have decided that I would like to use the services of a literary agent. I have six books published, but would like to hear what you believe you could do to further my career. I can be reached at ###-####, and look forward to hearing your proposal."
(BTW - all six of this author's books were self-published, and had no measurable sales.)
"I have written a novel, entitled - title - and seek your representation. This story is like nothing you have ever seen before and will be in extremely high demand. I suggest you contact me quickly as to not loose your chance to work on such a groundbreaking project..."
My novel called - title - needs new representation. While I know my work will be a best seller, I no longer believe my current representation, Joe Agent of the The ABC Agency, is doing it justice, and would like to sign with you instead..."
(Now this would be bad enough on it's own, but it turned out Joe Agent, who is a real agent and really worked for the named agency, had never even heard of this writer.)
"Books come and books go, but some books change your life. My book, title, is one of those books..."
And last but not least... (none of this is a typo on my part by the way, this is what it really said)
"I have writing to tell you about my book. It done. It is really good. I picked you to work for me. If you want see first it my phone is ###-####."
Makes your query look like a gem, does it not? :)
~ Mar
"I am about to tell you about the best book you will ever represent..."
"There once was a cat who's family had abandoned him. He went to live in a shelter for months, and was worried no one would ever love him. One day a lady came to the shelter and adopted him. She became his mommy. That cat is me, and my mommy wrote a story about me. She would like you to represent her...."
"At this point in my writing career, I have decided that I would like to use the services of a literary agent. I have six books published, but would like to hear what you believe you could do to further my career. I can be reached at ###-####, and look forward to hearing your proposal."
(BTW - all six of this author's books were self-published, and had no measurable sales.)
"I have written a novel, entitled - title - and seek your representation. This story is like nothing you have ever seen before and will be in extremely high demand. I suggest you contact me quickly as to not loose your chance to work on such a groundbreaking project..."
My novel called - title - needs new representation. While I know my work will be a best seller, I no longer believe my current representation, Joe Agent of the The ABC Agency, is doing it justice, and would like to sign with you instead..."
(Now this would be bad enough on it's own, but it turned out Joe Agent, who is a real agent and really worked for the named agency, had never even heard of this writer.)
"Books come and books go, but some books change your life. My book, title, is one of those books..."
And last but not least... (none of this is a typo on my part by the way, this is what it really said)
"I have writing to tell you about my book. It done. It is really good. I picked you to work for me. If you want see first it my phone is ###-####."
Makes your query look like a gem, does it not? :)
~ Mar
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