Every so often I come across queries that make me feel better about my own. They always put a smile on my face, so I thought I'd share. Yes, hard as it is to believe, these are all real, and have all been submitted to at least one agent/editor. They are all the opening line(s), appearing just after the "Dear Agent.'
"I am about to tell you about the best book you will ever represent..."
"There once was a cat who's family had abandoned him. He went to live in a shelter for months, and was worried no one would ever love him. One day a lady came to the shelter and adopted him. She became his mommy. That cat is me, and my mommy wrote a story about me. She would like you to represent her...."
"At this point in my writing career, I have decided that I would like to use the services of a literary agent. I have six books published, but would like to hear what you believe you could do to further my career. I can be reached at ###-####, and look forward to hearing your proposal."
(BTW - all six of this author's books were self-published, and had no measurable sales.)
"I have written a novel, entitled - title - and seek your representation. This story is like nothing you have ever seen before and will be in extremely high demand. I suggest you contact me quickly as to not loose your chance to work on such a groundbreaking project..."
My novel called - title - needs new representation. While I know my work will be a best seller, I no longer believe my current representation, Joe Agent of the The ABC Agency, is doing it justice, and would like to sign with you instead..."
(Now this would be bad enough on it's own, but it turned out Joe Agent, who is a real agent and really worked for the named agency, had never even heard of this writer.)
"Books come and books go, but some books change your life. My book, title, is one of those books..."
And last but not least... (none of this is a typo on my part by the way, this is what it really said)
"I have writing to tell you about my book. It done. It is really good. I picked you to work for me. If you want see first it my phone is ###-####."
Makes your query look like a gem, does it not? :)